Button Masher Presents: The Greatest Episode in Television History

Webster’s Dictionary defines greatness as a property possessed by something or someone of outstanding importance.  Nowhere is that quality more evident than the episode I am about to reveal to you. Greatness has reached a new standard, one set by an episode of television crafted into utter perfection, one that transcends mere entertainment and becomes something more. The Mona Lisa, the Great Pyramid, a third thing, all of these pale in comparison to the majesty and breathtaking brilliance exhibited in this one shining golden episode.

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you,

Archie’s Weird Mysteries’ twenty-fourth episode, Green-Eyed Monster:

I will now put forth my best effort in describing this episode with meticulously detail so you may truly understand its significance in history.

1After a rockin’ intro, the audience is immediately thrust into the world of Riverdale. A fisherman drudges something terrible up from below the sea, which immediately destroys his boat and he is forced to retreat back to land which is apparently only about twenty meters away. We are then taken to the familiar locale of Pop’s Burgers n’ Fries Diner, where our titular hero bursts in to tell the gang about the previous night’s attack. However, his cohorts Betty and Veronica are thirsty gals, and begin fighting over which of them Archie should take to the dance.

1

Every man’s worst nightmare.

1Luckily Jughead rescues him from this situation no young man would ever wish to find themselves in and they head for the beach, both the site of the boat attack and the beachside dance.  Once there, Archie admits to Jughead that he’s sick of having to decide between the two most beautiful women in school because he’s not very bright. He wishes there were some way of merging the two together into one, because Archie is into some weird stuff. Unfortunately, the sea monster from the night before was hidden from sight and has taken an interest in Archie for his beautiful red hair. Upon hearing his girl troubles, she returns to her cave to pull out a vial that will transform her into the girl of Archie’s dreams because she just has that for some reason. Archie and Jughead depart from the beach unaware of their eavesdropper.

1

“Archie do you just carry those around with you?”

1Back at the school, the girls begin fighting over Archie again, playing tricks on each other and I’m not entirely sure if this is still about Archie anymore. The principal puts an end to their senseless bickering however and introduces the new transfer student who definitely isn’t a sea monster. Archie is immediately smitten by Dorsa Fin, the girl with the FISHY name and also just straight up a green pallet swap of Veronica.  They depart together leaving Betty and Veronica with a FISHY suspicion over the new girl, who then form a new alliance to destroy Dorsa.

Dorsa and Archie are already hitting it off, with Dorsa planning a beach date which Archie immediately shoots down because he can’t take a hint. Once left alone however, Betty and Veronica grab Dorsa and lock her in a nearby closet because teenage girls are out of their minds. Dorsa breaks out with ease though, clueing the girls in on her FISHY secret.

1Later, Betty and Veronica attempt to drop a pie on the unsuspecting new girl in some Looney Tunes style revenge, but she uses her FISH-like reflexes to jump out of harm’s way, Enraged, Archie tells them he’s going to teach them a lesson not to fight over him as if he was a piece of meat, and asks Dorsa to the beach party. To which she has… just the best response:

1

“Okay.”

1Unfazed, the girls vow to discover Dorsa’s FISHY origins and take away the one thing Archie has ever loved. Through their detective snooping, they discover Dorsa doesn’t eat burgers like some sort of vegetarian monster, fish have been disappearing from stores around town, and not a single hairdresser in Riverdale sells green hair dye which makes me question Riverdale’s economy more than anything… and also that she just straight up eats bugs in public, so alright yeah she’s the monster. When presented with these accusations, Archie just grows furious and throws the girls out the diner and why do they like him so much again? Dorsa makes another fish pun and Archie continues to live in denial that his new girlfriend is a sea monster.

1Outside, Betty and Veronica continue to hold on to hope that they can free Archie from the clutches of the monster. Betty presents Veronica with her plan, she reasons that if salt water touches Dorsa, she’ll revert to her monstrous appearance again which is a pretty big leap in logic but they’ve run out of closets to trap her in. When the couple depart the diner, Betty quickly incapacitates Archie and sprays Dorsa with water before she runs off to hide her newly revealed horrific appearance. A thrilling chase ensues, but Dorsa is able to wipe off the water in time because that transformation vial really have very specific rules. Archie’s anger towards the young ladies grows and the couple storm off. Betty does a title drop.

This truly is an Archie's Weird Mystery.

This truly is an Archie’s Weird Mysteries

The big night of the dance has finally arrived, and Dorsa desperately attempts to get Archie in the water with her. Oblivious as always, Archie replies, “Hey, there’s Jughead, let’s go chat!” because again, he’s not great with hints. Dorsa manages to get him into the water anyway though, where Archie removes his sweater and reveals why he truly has so many beautiful girls pining for him:

1

Few people realize Archie Andrews is also a Calvin Klein model between mysteries.

1Betty and Veronica jump out and try to get Archie out of the water, but it’s sadly too late and Dorsa finally reveals herself to be the monster. All those muscles Archie has packed on turn out to be purely for show, and he is quickly dragged screaming and crying into the deep. They soon emerge from the water into an underground cave, where the monster reveals that she has been keeping redheads throughout history chained in the grotto to be her husbands, and also apparently paints each of their portraits really well for some reason.

1Archie hates art, but puts up literally no fight and is put in chains as well. Luckily, Betty and Veronia’s undying love for Archie continues as they too enter the cave to free him.  Deciding to put an end to her once and for all, they spray her with acid right in her face.

The monster then retreats back into the water to die a slow painful death, and Archie is ultimately freed. Archie instructs the two that they should have learned their lesson by working together and they can both be with him. Thankfully, polygamy wins the day again. More fish puns are said, and another weird mystery is wrapped up.

1

Polygamy continues to thrive in a little town called Riverdale.

Overall, I feel this episode’s brilliance is incredibly obvious. A perfect blend of comedy and drama, it tells a tale that I feel will connect with audiences for all of time. Hopefully we can look back on this episode and learn from it, taking its astounding writing and animation qualities and applying them to humanity to better civilization. There truly is nothing like it, and I hope it has inspired you as it has me. Thank you, and good night.

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