Amid rumours of a Skyward Sword release for Switch, Nintendo has instead asked Zelda fans to forget the polarizing game ever existed.
Talk of a new HD port of the famous Legend of Zelda series’ perhaps most infamous entry, Skyward Sword, began heating up this week after some teasing statements. Longtime producer of the franchise, Eiji Aonuma reportedly asked the crowds at a recent Zelda concert, “I know what you are thinking, Skyward Sword for Switch, right?” before crowd-surfing away without explanation.
As expected, this harmless statement has sent the Nintendo fanbase into a mad frenzy. YouTubers debuted countless videos with thumbnails of themselves screaming “WTF?” at a jpeg of Link, and Twitter and Reddit users have already begun simultaneously begging for pre-orders and sending death threats.
Unfortunately, it seems the subject of these threats may need to be revised. In response to the fervor, a Nintendo representative has officially stated, “What? No we’re not doing that. You guys know Skyward Sword like, kinda sucked right?” The representative in question has since gone into the witness protection program.
Fortunately, yours truly at Button Masher Media was able to snag a quick interview with Mr. Nintendo himself, Reggie Fils-Aimé, between sets at his local gym. We needed further clarification on the matter, and he needed a fill-in spotter.
“You ****ing people,” Fils-Aimé cursed between bench press reps, “One minute you hate this game, the next you’re begging for it again.” He was astoundingly strong. He continued, without breaking a sweat over the 400 pound weights , “We literally made Breath of the Wild to be the exact opposite of Skyward Sword. We thought you’d all forgotten about it and we could move on. I swear if I hear one more thing about the ****ing underwater musical notes part again.”
I handed him a towel as if he needed one, and pressed him for more.
“How would that even work anyway? The motion controls barely worked on the Wii, you think we’re gonna make it go for the Switch? You know Shiggy straight up killed an intern after that one botched E3 demo.”
I asked him what he thought about some of the updates fans have been asking for in a remake, such as less hand-holding gameplay, Fi to be taken out entirely, and generally making to be less bad.
“We are literally porting Wii U games to the Switch untouched and jacking it up to full price, we don’t give a ****.” He left us with that, and his bodyguards escorted us out. He was bigger than them.
Seeking some sort of closure to this arc, we desperately reached out to Grandfather Nintendo himself, Shigeru Miyamoto, for any parting words of wisdom on the subeject. His agent responded to inform us that he now only answers calls over the The Nintendo Switch Online™ smartphone app. We politely declined.
So it seems we shouldn’t expect a Switch version of Skyward Sword any time soon. In fact, as Reggie’s roughhousing bodyguards made it clear to us, they’d rather we “Forget Skyward Sword existed entirely, y’here?” Expect new editions of Hyrule Historia to expunge the game from its timeline entirely.
Thankfully for future Nintendo reps, the internet has already moved on to the next thing to collectively get angry about, and Skyward Sword can fade into obscurity again. Speaking of which, did you guys hear about Netflix cancelling Daredevil? Get your shouting thumbnail pictures ready for this one.