Talk of a Nintendo Switch port of the famous Legend of Zelda series’ perhaps most infamous entry, Skyward Sword, is heating up again. Reports from an Amazon listing/Nintendo internal briefing/premonition in the stars have let loose that we could be seeing a Switch re-release of Skyward Sword as soon as this month/year/century.
As expected, the Nintendo fanbase has been sent into a frenzy. YouTubers debuted countless videos with thumbnails of themselves screaming at a jpeg of Link, and Twitter and Reddit users have already begun simultaneously begging for pre-orders and sending death threats.
However, it seems the context of these threats may need to be revised. In response to the fervor, a Nintendo representative has officially stated, “What? No we’re not doing that. You guys know Skyward Sword like, kinda sucked right?” The representative in question has since gone into the witness protection program.
But What Does The Big Guy Himself Have to Say?
Fortunately, yours truly was able to snag a quick interview with former Mr. Nintendo himself, Reggie Fils-Aimé, between sets at his local gym. We needed further clarification on the matter, and he needed a fill-in spotter.
“You ****ing people,” Fils-Aimé cursed between bench press reps, “One minute you hate this game, the next you’re begging for it again.” He was astoundingly strong. He continued, without breaking a sweat over the 300-pound weights , “We literally made Breath of the Wild to be the exact opposite of Skyward Sword. We thought you’d all forgotten about it and we could move on. I swear if I hear one more thing about the ****ing underwater music notes part again.”
I handed him a towel as if he needed one, and pressed him for more.
“How would that even work anyway? The motion controls barely worked on the Wii, you think they’d work on the Switch? You know Shiggy straight up killed an intern after that one botched E3 demo.”
I asked him what he thought about some of the updates fans have been asking for in a remake, such as less hand-holdy gameplay, Fi to be taken out entirely, and generally making it be “less bad”.
“Nintendo is literally porting old games to the Switch untouched and jacking it up to full price, they don’t give a ****. I taught them that little tactic before I blew out of that *****.” He left me with that, and his bodyguards escorted me out. He was bigger than them.
Shiggy Speaks Out on Skyward Sword
Seeking some sort of closure to this arc, I desperately reached out to Grandfather Nintendo himself, Shigeru Miyamoto, for any parting words of wisdom on the subject. His agent responded to inform me that he now only answers to calls over the The Nintendo Switch Online™ smartphone app. We politely declined.
So it seems we shouldn’t expect a Switch version of Skyward Sword any time soon. In fact, as Reggie’s roughhousing bodyguards made clear to us, they’d rather we “Forget Skyward Sword ever existed, y’here?” Expect new editions of Hyrule Historia to expunge the game from its timeline entirely.
Fortunately for future Nintendo’s sanity, the internet has already moved on to the next thing to collectively freak out about, and Skyward Sword can fade into obscurity again. I heard they just put a girl in Far Cry 6, those bastards.
Want more Zelda in your life? Why not check out: