You Need To Listen To The Hate Ballad “I Want To Kick Baby Yoda In The Ribs”

What is it with humans always saying they want to pinch, squeeze, or eat cute things like babies? Science calls it ‘cute aggression‘ and it apparently has to do with a rebalancing of emotions to help us survive: if we’re too busy gawking over how cute a baby is, we’d be too distracted to take care of it, and the baby would starve.

It’s probably the evolutionary impulse that inspired internet musician Billy Cob to write the hateful power ballad “I Want To Kick Baby Yoda In The Ribs” – a hilarious declaration of war against the cute little alien that took the world by storm last November.

Peep these lyrics:

I want to see that he’ll never need to breathe
As his cradle’s buried deep under the sod
Strong with the force he may be
But that doesn’t impress me
Want to drown him in the swamps of Dagobah

Yeesh. Besides the lyrics, the real appeal of the song is the genuine talent behind the instrumentals, which sound like a lost Weezer b-side from the Pinkerton era. That comparison shouldn’t be surprising; Billy Cobb also put out the Weezer tribute-ish album, Zerweewhich was a near perfect recreation of the early Weezer sound.

More on Cute Aggression

“Scientists suspect that cute aggression is the brain’s way of coping with the overwhelming response that occurs when these two powerful brain systems are triggered; to temper the onslaught of positive feelings, in other words, the brain tosses in a dash of aggression. And there may be a good reason, evolutionarily speaking, why this occurs.

“[I]f you find yourself incapacitated by how cute a baby is—so much so that you simply can’t take care of it—that baby is going to starve,” Stavropoulos says.”

-Smithsonian Mag

5 Sith Lords Who Could Absolutely DESTROY Baby Yoda

Sure he’s cute, but how good is he in a fight?

Baby Yoda stole our hearts and minds with his debut in Disney Plus’ The Mandalorian series. But while he no doubt makes for an adorable toy and memeable GIF, he’s severely lacking in combat ability. So much so that you have to wonder why anyone cares about catching this little green imp.

Here are just six Sith Lords that would beat Baby Yoda in a 1v1 fight proving cuteness doesn’t make up for the raw power of the dark side.

Darth Vader


Let’s get this easy one out of the way. Baby Yoda’s most lethal attack option is his trademark Force Choke. Only thing is, Darth Vader popularized the technique himself. There’s no way this little baby could pull Vader’s own trick on him. Vader was choking fools when Baby Yoda was… well in diapers, because he’s a very old baby. There’s not a chance Darth Vader doesn’t walk away from this fight with a green smear underneath his boots.

Darth Maul


Now this may actually be a close one. Darth Maul might look menacing, but he’s underestimated an opponent from below before and we all know how that turned out. Statistically, Baby Yoda might just win this… The only thing is, Darth Maul has a double-bladed lightsaber. You don’t beat a double-bladed lightsaber, especially when you’re a baby without a single lightsaber. So while this one could be close, I have to give it to Darth Maul in the end.

Darth Tyranus (Count Dooku)


Think youth beats age? Sorry Baby Yoda, not this time. Darth Tyranus (or Count Dooku as he’s affectionately called) has already had run-ins with Adult Yoda before and survived,  so he definitely has experience handling Yodas. You think a stupid baby version of his old master will stand a chance? Baby Yoda can’t do a single flip, or jump off walls. This one goes to Dooku hands down. If Count Dooku and Baby Yoda walk into a room, Baby Yoda ain’t walking out.

Darth Sideous (Emperor Palpatine)


Another close match. Palpatine’s main special move is his Force Lightning, which has also been the thing that took him down every time. You’d think someone with lightning powers would be a little brighter, but this guy just doesn’t get it. Maybe Baby Yoda has a chance going up against a Sith Lord who literally continues to be his own demise? Nope, not even then. The trick to beating Palpatine has always been to gently hold out your lightsaber to reflect his Force Lightning back at him. And as stated, the little green Dobby doesn’t even have a baby lightsaber, rendering him completely useless. Looks like we’re having fried Baby Yoda tonight folks.

Darth Sideous (But a Clone?)


I know what you’re thinking. How could a feeble old man in a bathrobe possibly defeat a sleek, slippery Baby Yoda? They’re both virtually powerless, and at least Baby Yoda doesn’t need a giant arm to spin him around the room every time he wants to have a foreboding conversation. But Clone Palpatine has the one thing Baby Yoda doesn’t have – guile. Zombie Sideous is a smooth talker, and if Baby Yoda is known for anything, it’s that he’s a dumb idiot baby. I give it five minutes before  Grandpa Palpy is talking Baby Yoda into giving him his soul or something.

Irek Ismaren

Lord_Nyax (1)

This guy is literally wearing a suit made out of lightsabers. Do I even need to say it? This one goes to the Sith, no problem.

What other Sith Lords could defeat Baby Yoda? Let us know in the comments!